Myspace thing Tila Tequila’s first single “I Love U” has the distinction of having the first music video shot exclusively for cell phones. Now I don’t know if this is supposed to be a good thing or what because bangin’ technology or not, watching videos on your phone still seems kinda bootleg to me. In any event, I had to stop and ask myself WHY there was a video shot at all after watching this clip:

Which brings us to the first ever episode of JC’s “Why are they famous?” Now, a warning… I will be throwing around the word “famous” lightly because I could probably get into most of the parties these people are attending, but you get my drift. Tila was our winner for the day quite simply because I don’t have the slightest f–king idea why this chick is famous. For having lots of friends on Myspace? It’s obviously not for her singing talents because she’s doing that “Kelis-style” rapping throughout this and when she finally squeaks out some vocals toward the end it sounds a mess. I’m mad because this beat is kind of hot! My friend and I were talking about how people like Brandy and Tamia are stranded on labels like Knockout Entertainment, Koch Records, D-List Records etc. while Brooke Hogan gets beats from Scott Storch. LMAO!! Where’s the logic, people?!

My next pick is Ms. “Uh Oh” Lumidee. Most of y’all probably remember this chick for her annoying ass song that was inexplicably a hit in the summer of 2003. I don’t think there’s been anyone on the musical landscape in recent years with less talent than this one and yes I’m including Cassie in this assessment. She SOMEHOW got a second chance to put out another album and prove all of us wrong and what does she do? Gets Tony Sunshine (the Kelly Rowland of Terror Squad) to sing a cover of Patrick Swayze while she stands around posing.

I s–t you not – he’s actually singing “She’s Like The Wind”. And what is Lumidee doing? Lookin’ hot! You may remember back when “Never Leave You (Uh Oh)” came out they were hiding her face in the video because she was chunky. Well she’s making up for lost time! I think she “raps” about three lines in this whole video and the rest of the time she does semi-turns while Tony sings.

Apparently this song is really big in New York. If anyone out there is reading from New York, y’all need to get it together. This is inexcusable.

Until next time, I’m gonna get on the Casio I got in 4th grade and bang out a hit cover from the David Hasselhoff catalog. I’ll see you at #1, baby!

–John Calderon