It has been rumored for months, if not years, that Apple has been wanting to debut a new “tablet” computer to the electronic gadget market. The day finally came yesterday when Steve Jobs (Chairman and CEO of Apple) announced the new iPad starting at $499, the first ever Mac Tablet! Totally touch screen, with only a single button, it looks like an iPhone injected with a massive dose of steroids! Yeah, before you scream I’m a “Mac Hater”, I absolutely have adored Apple these last few years, as I am the owner of not one, but two Macbooks at home. Anyway, NEVER has a product by Apple received so much criticism in the last decade!

Here’s where the first BIG issue starts …

Steve Jobs had the audacity (granted, he’s one of the biggest names in the business) to diss netbooks, in comparison to the new iPad. Oh, I wish he didn’t!

So what’s my problem with the iPad?

1. Unlike netbooks, iPad does NOT support multi-tasking. That means you can’t listen to “Fisting” on UCLARadio.com from 4-6pm on Monday’s (shameless plug) and browse the Internet at the same time. You can only do one thing at once! Sounds familiar? Yeah, because it’s a big fat iPhone (or iTouch — same thing basically).

2. The Maxi… erhmm.. iPad. Yeah, WTF?!?! Are there any women in the marketing department at Apple or men living with women for that matter? The name is horrendous and has already been the victim of millions of LOL’Z across Twitter and the rest of the Internet. What’s even more hilarious is that MadTV predicted in 2006 that Apple would make a product called exactly the iPad! Watch the video here.

3. iPad can’t play any Adobe Flash videos. Now wait wait… you can play YouTube videos in HD on the iPad. But that’s really the ONLY exclusion, as YouTube made a deal with Apple not to use Flash (but another software) for their iPhone/iTouch/iPad devices. Any other website you visit will most definitely require Adobe Flash or their own propriety software to play video. So say goodbye to Hulu, DailyMotion, ABC Video, TVLand, and all the other websites that offer free video content in Adobe Flash.

4. No physical keyboard included. You’re going to have to pay $69 extra for a docking station with a physical keyboard. Have we gone back to the stone age with old palm pilots? That’s not to say the iPad doesn’t have a virtual keyboard (and it seems quite revolutionary). BUT, it’s one thing to type a text message with the iPhone, but try thinking about typing an essay on a virtual keyboard screen! That’s going to leave a lot of fingerprints. Also, it looks like the manucurists will be getting business again from women complaining of broken nails.

5. No USB slots, video out, or media card slots on the iPad. You probably will have to pay for an additional device yet again to connect your flash drive and whatnot. But the Apple iPad does have BlueTooth support (not that any of the netbooks or cellphones don’t).

Oh and just a few more things…

6.  iPad is still only for AT&T users! I’m sure the hackers will be in line to jailbreak this like the iPhone. Nevertheless, it would have been nice for Apple to offer the iPad to Verizon, Sprint, and T-Mobile customers. Oh and that’s not all… here’s the price breakdown (yeah, there’s a monthly bill too for this iPad) —

“- $14.99/month for 250MB of data transfer

- $30 /month for unlimited data transfer

- Free use of AT&T wifi hotspots

- No contract, cancel anytime”

The last two sound pretty cool. But they failed to mention that AT&T has already began offering free wi-fi spots in many popular locations, such as Barnes & Noble and McDonalds. And contracts? Nobody wants that anyway, as that SHOULD BE mandatory!

7. The iPad is already being acclaimed for being a product that might just revamp the eBook industry. Directly competing with Amazon’s Kindle (which reads electronic books), the iPad will support books in color and flicking of the page with your finger. Sounds nifty, right? I agree it does … however, there’s a big difference reading a book from a backlit LCD screen for hours and reading from the Amazon Kindle or Sony eReader with a grayscale display. Yep, that’s right, go grab your Kleenex box! The tears will be rolling from your eyes from all that eye strain and you can guaren-damn-tee it!

8. Finally, you can’t make phone calls with the iPad (no webcam either). Not that you’d want to hold a HUMONGOUS phone in the palm of two hands. Goodness gracious, that would cause a lot of car accidents for those “risk takers” I see on the 405-freeway everyday. Try imagining someone trying to drive with one hand on the wheel and another holding the iPad. That’s a funny sight that *thankfully* won’t happen.

9. Holy MOLEY! I almost forgot about the WONDERFUL price break down (see pic to the left)….

That’s all in addition to the monthly bill you will be paying for the data transfer. I can drive to Best Buy right now and buy a 10inch Netbook with a 160GB Hard drive, Wi-Fi support, BlueTooth, 2 USB-slots, and a bunch more things for $300. Simply put, and once again, iPad = iPhone + Massive Steroids Injections into the Booty.

Sorry Apple… but this is major FAIL!

–Paymon Jalali
Fisting Mondays 4-6 PM