Valentine’s Day is a pretty brutal holiday.  Everything’s decorated in blood, you have naked flying babies impaling people with arrows, there’s  a lot of sex and a lot of fetish indulgence….the dream of every young Scandinavian adolescent with a guitar and a distortion pedal.  Of course, what better way to say “I love you” than with some hard hitting speed metal (for the V-day quickies)? Or the subtle ambiance created by drone metal (goes great with hot wax and leather!)?  Or even the psychedelic space odyssey of progressive metal (I guarantee nothing will get her pants off faster than a 22 minute Dream Theater prog-fest)? Yet, as hardcore as Valentine’s Day may seem, there are still rules to follow when setting the mood – and unfortunately, that means saving some of the heaviest and brutalest metal in your music collection.  Here’s my list of metal songs that you SHOULDN’T play on Valentine’s Day.

1. The Ocean – Necrobabes.com
Some people like candle light dinners.  Some people like dressing up in animal costumes. And others like having sex with dead people.  The Ocean’s ode to necro-porn is disturbing on any other day, but on Valentine’s Day, the “I love you” in wishing your significant other was dead gets seems to get lost in translation.

2. Slayer – Angel of Death
“Holocaust, the meaning of pain, the way that I want you to die…” really warms the heart and spices up any romance…

3. Meshuggah – Lethargica
Barry White taught me that you have to take it slow and be smooth with a woman. Meshuggah taught me to take it “slow and deliberate.”  Sexual healing vs. math metal mechanic thrusting. Did I mention that “Lethargica” is all about apocalyptic killing machines? Yay, death! How romantic!

4. Tool – Stinkfist
“Elbow deep inside the borderline…” I’ll leave the rest for your imagination.

5. Iron Maiden – Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter
What’s Valentine’s Day without incest, ritualistic gangbanging, and human sacrifice???

6. Metallica – Harvester of Sorrow
Back in 1986, Metallica were very angry.  “Harvester of Sorrow,” off of Master of Puppets, contains themes of murder, domestic violence and oh yea, infanticide…this should be a lesson to all of you men out there, “Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool” or else you might end up a baby killer in 9 months.

7. Pantera – 5 Minutes Alone
Nothing says I love you quite like raging testosterone levels, a black eye and a couple of broken ribs.

8. Rammstein – Du Hast
German industrial metal with catchy lyrics with a play on words that translates to: “You hate me.” Perfect for Valentine’s Day grouches…not so much for those with dates…

9. Judas Priest – Turbo Lover
Leather, bondage, S&M: the three ingredients for a perfect Valentine’s Day. Don’t forget the chains!

10. Kyuss – One-Inch Man
In this case, judge a song by its title…guys especially, PLEASE stay away from this song on Valentine’s Day.

–DJ Unibomber
Metal Slug, Fridays 10-noon